Phil has failed the Velcade protocol. Six months, and a strong start, but ultimately, his Lambda light chain count is higher than when he started treatment. Fortunately, it’s not out of control, but it is steadily going up. Dr. Smith has ordered a “drug holiday” until at least October 28, as Phil is exhausted and has little stamina. I honestly do not know how he keeps going. He has been helping me with the dishes since we decided to put away our dish drainer to save space in the kitchen. It’s just like when we were first married: I wash, and he dries. Tonight, he made Scalloped Tomatoes (from the Joy of Cooking) so I could concentrate on the main dish. And later, he went out with Grace. I, on the other hand, did some cleaning, cooking, and clean up, and I’m exhausted.
I’m not sure where this leaves us. What’s the next treatment option? Will he fail that one, too? We were so hopeful that he’d go into remission again. Maybe he still will, but it means more poison in his system, and unending trips to the hospital for treatment.
The thought that keeps surfacing is that this brings us one step closer to the end. Lately, every time I think about that, I get teary, so I try to stuff it back in. Eventually it will all come out.
These verses from Proverbs 3: 5 – 7 keep coming back to me:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
The other things that I’ve been mulling over is a song that we did with the worship team back at our old church, and which the group Grace is singing with now is going to do on Monday night as part of our missions emphasis. The words and music are by Charlie Hall.
Single minded, whole-hearted, one thing I ask
That I may gaze upon Your beauty Oh Lord
That I may seek Your Holy Face
That I may know You in an intimate way
And follow after You all of my days
Chorus:
All of life comes down to just one thing
and that’s to know You oh Jesus
and make You known
©1999 Generation Music (Admin. by Generation Productions)
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
The chorus says it: everything comes down to knowing Jesus. Living for Him no matter what. Trusting that what He allows in our lives is making us more like Christ. Even when it’s impossible to understand.
I am missing being part of a worship team more and more. I probably don’t have the energy to commit to anything right now, but I still miss it fiercely. There’s something about helping to lead worship that transcends being part of the congregation. Hard to explain. I guess it’s a moot point anyway since we aren’t members of the church. (I don’t understand why Phil is holding back.) Oh well, I’ll just have to look forward to (hopefully) singing in the benefit concert for Faith Ministries International in the spring. I pray that comes together.
I’ll end with one of my favorite songs these days. This is from the Hillsong album, This Is Our God.
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is a God who provides
Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it’s way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow
Filed under: Uncategorized
